A high school teacher once asked us to describe ourselves in one word. My classmates began spewing out words left and right as if they had thought about this one question for decades. Let me tell you, they had not. The future stoner said "driven", the girl who got knocked up our senior year said "christian" and the guy who knocked her up said "chivalrous". When it was finally my turn, I didn't give an answer, but a rant. I told my teacher it was dumb to subjective ourselves to just one word. I related her assignment to my feelings on standardize testing--our whole lives we are told to be individuals and march to our own beat then BOOM--our entire future is based off one test? It's just not fair.
Naturally, the class laughed as my teachers face brewed with anger. I mean one word?! Is she crazy? How could I characterize myself in one word? Typically I would delay the productivity of class intentionally, however this time I was truly dumfounded and perturbed with her ludicrous assignment. A normal teacher would have applauded my critique, this bitch saw my questioning as an act of defiance and "encouraged" (threatened with detention) me to give a word. My word, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Again the class erupted in laughter and my teacher lost her shit. In retrospect, I could have said indescribable, but how boring is that?
I'm not quite sure what went wrong during my gestation period. Maybe my birth mother was a crack addict? Perhaps she was a genetically engineered woman who escaped from a government testing site? Maybe she was an alien who fell in love with her captor in Roswell, New Mexico? But lets be honest, I was born in Texas, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Regardless I have come to realize I am supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. What does that mean exactly? It mean's I'm narcissistic and incredibly loud. It means I love glitter and Britney Spears. It means I'm your best friend and worst enemy. I'm stubborn, materialistic and have no soul. It means I hate everyone. It means my life is magnet to CW type drama. It means I have this effect over people and situations I can't quite understand but have no problem using. It means people think I am funny when I'm just being blunt. It means I get myself into hilarious situation normal people only see in the movies. Really I can continue with my definition of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (because Webster has yet to define it), but I'm sure you get the point. If you don't, close the blog now because your life is square (do you drive a Nissan Cube?) and you'll probably understand a book in swahili better than this, or the Bible.
If you did not close the page and plan to continue on this literary adventure to discover how my life is better than yours, and that may not be in a good way, here are some rules, better yet guidelines, I have used to successfully make it through life...thus far.
1. Tequila and Glitter can fix any problem.
2. Don't do what's expected.
3. 50 years from now when you look back at your life don't you want to say you had the guts to get in the car?
4. Never live your life looking at yourself from someone else's perspective.
5. Everyone is gay until proven otherwise.
6. If Britney survived 2007, I can survive this.
7. I'm always right.
Now then, brace yourself for impact because you are about to get hit with a lot of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I hope you enjoy my life as much as I have enjoyed living it.
For all my friends who are worried about being caught as an accessory to my shenanigans, I've created alias' to protect your wellbeing.
-R
P.S. Every time you see the word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious you are supposed to take a shot. It makes reading WAY more interesting.
P.S.S. The blog title has nothing to do with anything. On the plus side it is a very catch title. Click "Stories" to get started.
No comments:
Post a Comment