My "First" Time

As I’m sure many of you heard, there was a pretty big earthquake in LA this past week. Social media erupted as Ross Angelites tweeted to inform the world we were all rudely awaken at 6:24 am, a mere 35 minutes after we had gone to sleep. Personally, I was shocked to find out how many people were infuriated over the social media blow up because it was "just an earthquake". I mean, I get it.  LA can over react a bit. It rains for two days and outsiders think a nuclear bomb leveled half the city. I’d like to point out Atlanta got two fucking inches of snow and the amount of sympathy was startling (in my opinion). Why didn’t anyone make fun of them? Well because LA is an easy target. And I certainly didn’t help the stereotype. 

This was officially my second real earthquake, but I'm considering it my first. I didn’t like my first one. In my defense,  I didn’t actually know an earthquake had happened. Like most nights in college, I came home piss as drunk, stumbling around my house. I was so fucked up. Probably roofied for all I know. I thought the house was shaking and shit was falling off the walls because of my drunkenness. I remember thinking to myself, this whole functional alcoholic thing really isn’t working anymore. 

I woke up the next day and trudged myself to brunch. Being 15 minutes late, my friends had started drinking Bloody Mary's without me. James offered me one and I kindly declined. He was floored. 

James barked, "You aren’t drinking? Is this a joke? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's brunch." For those of you who don't know, brunch is a very big deal in Los Angeles. It's basically the SoCal Liberal version of church. Just with gay people and vodka. 

"What the fuck is wrong with me? Bitch! I was so drunk last night I literally thought the ground and walls were shaking. If that's not a red flag I don’t know what is." At first, I'm fairly certain he thought I was joking, but then quickly realized I was not.  

"First off, burning a whole in your stomach should have been your red flag. Secondly there was a mother fucking earthquake last night you imbecile. "

How does one respond to the world imbecile? You can’t. It’s such a good word. Naturally I reached for a Bloody Mary and started chugging. 

This earthquake I was sober. Perfectly cuddled up in my bed with my Cheshire Cat Disney pillow pet. Yes I have one. Judge away I don’t care. I was somewhere between fucking Zac Efron and throwing a Great Gatsby party when I was suddenly sitting straight up gasping for air as everything was shaking around me. Let me reiterate, EVERYTHING. Walls, windows, cabinets, the bed. Some say it lasted 45 seconds I say 4.5 hours. “Officials” say it was the former. 

The amount of thoughts I had in 45 seconds was kinda of ridiculous. I first realized I have no idea what to do in an earthquake. I mean I know what to do, but I really don’t understand it. Im supposed to go stand under a doorway or some shit like that. However my survival instincts informed me doorways were unreliable and the appropriate measure was to pull my comforter over my head and go full fetal. So I pulled my comforter over my head and went full fetal. Sadly I realized my cheshire cat pillow pet fell on the floor. I began to prepare for the fact I could lose him in the giant crevas that is most likely opening under my bed. I loved him. But I wasn’t ready to risk my own life. 

My next thought was definitely a more logical one. I should get my goggles so I can see underwater, because any second now, I’m going to be engulfed by a ginormous tidal wave. To me that makes perfect sense. Fortunately the earthquake stopped before I had made any concrete decision on how to safely get my goggles.   

I poked out from the side of my bed to make sure my pillow pet was safe. He was. Then the fear of god struck me. I mean I could have fucking died. Alone. Without my pillow pet. How sad is that. I immediately got on my phone and called my best friend Patrick. We’’ve known each other since Freshman year of college and he is my person. 

"THERE WAS A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE! OH MY GOD IT WAS CRAZY! "

 "I know Ross. I live three blocks of you."

"WE COULD HAVE DIED!"

"Oh it was fine."

"IT WAS FINE? My fucking life flashed before my eyes and all you can say is it was fine. What if it didn’t stop? What if it kept going. What if this was the big one?!" 

"It wasn't."

"BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN!" I screamed. 

Obviously I wasn’t handling the situation well. 

“Patrick”, I said. "Come over immediately. I don’t want to go back to sleep alone. I need your nook. The stupid fucking cat isn’t going to cut it." For those of you who don’t know what the nook is. It's the place between the armpit and your pectoral muscle. Its my favorite place to cuddle and in my opinion, the safest place in the world. 

Let me preface this by saying Patrick is straight. VERY straight. Believe me, with my history, I would know if he was gay.  I know he is not gay because he is very secure with who he is. Insider tip. The easiest way to tell if someone is harboring closeted homesexual tendencies is if a guy can’t stand you touching him because your gay. Chances are so is the little shit. If some douche says “Ew dude don’t hug me”  he's gay. 

Patrick. He will cuddle with me. He made out with me once so I could make another man jealous. He also has a girlfriend. You might wonder how she feels about this but Cassie and I have an understanding. I let her date my best friend and she has to deal with the fact our bromance comes first. Basically when you date Patrick, you also date Ross. 

I’m like the child she wishes he never had and wants to do something about, but can't because she knows I could squash her like a bug. 

Patrick  "begrudgingly" came over. He kept clambering about how it was “so early” which I could't understand because it wasn’t like I was the reason he was up. 

It took Patrick 5 minutes to get to place. In that 5 minutes I had googled far to much for my own good.

Patrick entered my back house to find me under the covers, cuddling with my pillow pet, wearing goggles, listening to swedish house mafia “Don’t You Worry Child”. 

He looked more concerned now than when he found me in a hospital after I burned a hole in my stomach.

The conversation went as follows. 

"Ross, what the fuck are you doing. Sobriety is really getting to you isn’t it?"

"I'm preparing for an after shock, which could potential lead to a tidal wave. And since you took so fucking long to get here I had to look to Swedish House for support."

"First off I got here as fast as I could. I'm literally still in my pajamas. Second, you’ve really got to get over Swedish House Mafia breaking up."

"Never." 

Patrick hopped into bed, and I started showing him all the research I had done on earthquakes in the last 5 minutes. I think I legitimately started to get into his head. We began coordinating what we would do incase disaster struck again. Lets be honest, there is no time like the present. 

At some point later in the morning, Cassie and my best friend, Dan, stumbled upon my guest house. Both were worried because neither had heard from Patrick or I that morning. Dan knows since unemployment I won’t get out of bed until he comes over and drags me out of bed. Cassie knows if Patrick isn’t at home and ignoring her, he is with me. 

What they walked into, neither could prepare for. Patrick and I decided the safest place in my back house during an earthquake would be between my mattress and box spring. I thought it was something we needed to test out and we did, some how falling asleep. Dan and Cassie enter to Patrick holding the pillow pet in one nook and me, wearing my goggles no less, in the other, sandwiched between the mattress and spring board. 

Dan said he had never seen me so peaceful while sleeping and Cassie continued to realize what a pain in the ass I am. 

The moral of this story is earthquakes are scary. 

* Since writing this story it has come to my attention that it is in fact safe to stay in your bed as long as there is nothing above it that can fall on you. My natural instincts were right and I'm basically a prophet.